Four Fragilis’s awarded in just one moon cycle? That’s right friends, either the world is growing ever more domesticated, or I’m just feeling generous! Either way, brace yourself for a tour through the worst that civilization has to offer!
If you’ve ever flown on a commercial plane, then certainly you know the veritable side-show of innovative wonders that await you in the setback pocket located just inches in front of your knees! Who can resist picking up a SkyMall magazine and flipping through what can only be described as a catalog of products so embarrassing that they simply can’t be featured anywhere else. Like some island of misfit toys, SkyMall serves as the final resting place for a suite of items so useless that one struggles to understand just how they could have ever left the idea bucket and began that arduous journey towards full scale production. Promise me something… If advanced extraterrestrials ever visit the Earth, please let’s conceal every issue of SkyMall from them. I would be mortified to have them see us like this.
Let’s begin with the Leo Men's Padded Butt Enhancer Brief. Building powerful gluteus muscles through bipedal locomotion is so… primitive. Why bother when you can simply cover your lack of muscular development with a prosthetic hind-quarter? After all, it's not what a thing really is that matters, but just what it appears to be. Look like the fit and well-walked man that you know you could be, but just don't have the motivation to become! And since you are sitting on your ass so much, these briefs offer just a bit more padding to make your life of sedentism that much more comfortable!
Next up...the Super Selfie. You wouldn't want to get caught out and about without the Super Selfie extendable pole that allows you to get perfect angle on your #selfie. These are so practical, who couldn't justify carrying one around with them every day? I’d probably follow up on this purchase with a little selfie-enhancing cosmetic surgery! Now you look so hot that even the selfie pole wants to f*#k you.
The third fragilis award goes to the "don't let your pet get wet" raincoat. This product adds insult to injury, as it further deepens the gulf and widens the chasm separating your already domesticated dog from its once wild predecessor. Besides, everyone knows how much dogs hate that ‘outdoor’ weather! Nothing will crush your pets morale like this fricken dog-slicker! Rumor has it, wolves are water-proof, but dogs are only water-resistant. Be sure to keep yours dry at all times.
The final fragilis award goes to (and yes, this is actually real, I didn’t make this up):
The Death Timer, actually called The Happiness Watch. "Life is short... make every second count!” This watch uses "statistics and a personal health algorithm" to calculate your average life expectancy, and then starts counting down to your newly determined death-date! I feel this product really captures the mindset of the domesticated human, for whom the idea of psychologically imprinting an artificial death-date on himself is of no concern at all. And it's fitting, since most of us were rushed out of the womb for some made up “due date”, and many go on to work their entire lives just to pay the mortgage (mort = death, mortgage = death gauge), so why not remind yourself of when you are scheduled to die? Being on time is a virtue, so don’t be late! Fragilis Award of the year? I think so, but let me know your thoughts in the comments area at the bottom of the page!
Every New Moon, we will be awarding a fragilis award to our favorite person, product, procedure, etc. that represents the deepest depths of domestication!
WHAT EXACTLY IS A FRAGILIS?
I propose a re-designation of ourselves from the currently accepted H. sapiens sapiens to the newHomo sapiens domesticofragilis — meaning wise, fragile, domesticated man. Of course, at first glance this appears tongue-in-cheek, as if I were simply making a sarcastic quip. However, closer examination of the data indicates that when compared against still intact foraging peoples, we moderns are quite fragile indeed. Be it the lack of physical robustness — a distinctly reduced ability to tolerate temperature extremes for example — or simply our tendency towards early degeneration — the diseases of civilization, i.e. diabetes, cancer, heart disease, etc. — modern humans are undeniably far more delicate than our ancestors. While some might argue that domesticogracilis would be more fitting, again I would assert that it is fragility that characterizes us, as gracility implies a kind of gracefulness that is not indicative of most "moderns".